| Writer's Block: Bite Me |
[27 Jul 2009|11:38pm] |
This is totally a no-brainer.
My first comment is BOO on Stephenie Meyer and her crappy ass series. She can suck it. All the way to the bank.
*achem*
But I'd say I'd be taken in any day by JC from early LKH days because he was hot and cool. Now, I hear he's whiny and lame. What? No change for like 400 years and Anita suddenly turns him into a puss? Even bigger BOO and HISS
Mostly because LKH used to be good and then she sucked. Stephenie just sucked to start with. Low expectations. Consistent, but low. LKH grew, peaked, floundered and subsequently failed.
But mostly, I'm going to go and watch Frasier. Consider this my post for the next 12 weeks. :)
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[02 May 2009|02:48am] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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music |
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You Found Me - The Fray |
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So it's almost 3am, my favorite time of the night and I'm still awake. Some days I wonder if I still qualify for BPD or not. Some days I think absolutely not, but tonight is one of those where I start to question it.
I'm not sleepy, granted I had caffeine this evening and I haven't had any in a week. I've been cutting back in order to try to be more healthy, but I caved. This week has been hard. I've been needing a pick me up and maybe that's why I'm not sleeping well. Just too stressed/wire/depressed/whatever.
The biggest news, of course, is that my little niece, Kayleigh who was born last June at 1lb 1oz will soon be leaving this world and we are just waiting on the hour to arrive. She went essentially brain dead a couple of weeks ago and now her brain is starting to deteriorate. It is heartbreaking what has happened to this little girl and what the family has had to endure, but ... it may all be over soon and this is both devastating for the loss of such a beautiful little girl and wonderful to know how she will no longer be suffering as she has many times throughout these last 10 months.
In addition and extremely miniscule by comparison -
Schooling has come to an end successfully and I now have my first degree. Hooray. But now, I have no job and no school to keep me busy. So I've been reduced to full time mom, which is in theory great because I love my daughter so dearly, but I'm one of those people who needs a thousand things to do in order to feel like I'm doing even one thing. So I'm feeling professionally lost at this point which is disturbing and frightening all on its own.
The one good ray of light in all of this is in theory I will have more time to work on Kat. Which brings me to the point of this post - sometimes, I'm discovering, a hero isn't all you make her out to be. Sometimes good things happen to bad people, sometimes bad things happen to good people and sometimes life throws you a curveball that you're not ready for and you get smacked the fuck in the nose. Ouch.
I can't do everything, you can't do everything, Kat can't do everything. Sometimes it's okay to sit back and take it, even though it hurts like a sonuvabitch. But sometimes in that pain, there is healing and clarity and maybe, just maybe, if we're lucky, we'll find reason in the madness.
I feel strangely enlightened and yet saddened at the same time. Boundless. There is a certain level of freedom to be obtained from recognizing defeat in controlling everything. Perhaps that's part of what makes religion such a powerful draw for so many billions of people. Perhaps that's also where sleep is obtained - in that freedom from neurosis of control. If not, well, tomorrow's almost here...
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[03 Mar 2009|10:50pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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Just Dance - Lady Gaga |
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just trying to decompress
did I mention I got my first tattoo?
and if I get the job in Cincinnati I'll be getting my second tat :)
James and I are talking about the future and whether or not I'll keep looking out of state for jobs or just stay in Charlotte to finish out my degree and then look more
Of course, if Cinci by some miracle offers me the job, barring awful pay, we'll probably bail and move in the next few months
At this point, I'm so spent on wishing and hoping and dreaming, I really just want to get down to reality. If I'm qualified, if I'm "meant" to go to Cinci, then I will. If I'm not, I won't and we'll go from there. I really want the job, but I'm killing myself over here with stress and worry. I just really need to breathe.
In other news, I punched in the final 72 words of Confessions after 7 long years. The catch is that I have to fill in the final 1/3, but I realized the other night I was having problems finding that last direction I needed to go because I was unclear as to which ending was going to happen. So I had a heart to heart with some of my characters and got a good laugh out of it, actually. I found out Jax is a fucking lawyer that still brings a smile and tears to my eyes. I LOVE it, it's too brilliant. So I do need him and I now have my out. If I didn't have either of those things, I had no idea wtf I was doing. Now I do. And now we can move forward. I just have to do it.
But I'm annoyingly tired tonight, Piper was a handful today. I think she's coming down with something because she was so out of character, but we'll see. Maybe she's just 2. That's my excuse for her lately. She's 2 and therefore impossible. Lovable. But impossible.
Oh, yes, YAY snow. And yay sleep.
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[31 Jan 2009|01:21am] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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Dreaming with a Broken Heart - John Mayer |
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You know, I'm having a helluva time tonight trying to write to Kat. Some days I channel her, and sometimes I adopt her. Tonight I've adopted her, which is great and theraputic for me, but not so good for finishing her story. It's been said a thousand times before, but seriously, now that I'm unemployed, what's stopping me from finally finishing this except myself? Positively nothing.
In light of this sobering fact, I've been writing to her more lately (although not as much as I should, I still miss the days when 3000 words was my minimum and frequently I hit or exceeded that) even when I don't feel her muse bothering me. And so tonight I thought I might try it again. Force something. But the best I could manage was edits. Always helpful. I re-read some stuff from 100+ pages back and then skipped to almost where I am now and was happy with it. I am finding the longer this gets the more I need to watch my voice - her voice. Luckily it doesn't seem to be a problem at all, which I love. I worry sometimes that I'm going off course, but then I see that and I know I'm on par.
The only "sort of" negative thing about my edits tonight is I likely axed about 1000 words. I didn't delete them entirely, I just highlighted them. It was an entire entry really, and I felt it was redundant and slowed the pace more than I wanted or it needed. I feel I dealt with the issue already and it was time to move on. But before doing something drastic, I always need to look at it three or four times more before I make that call.
But I even put on my Kat playlist for tonight and still managed nothing but whispers, not even enough to turn into a paragraph. So, instead I'm here whining that I couldn't do it tonight, but I also forgive myself. It happens, and I'll get her back soon.
Lastly, the whole point of my post here was to verbalize to someone - somewhere - that I find it oddly telling that four of the songs on her playlist have "Broken" in the title or are the title of a song. I find it telling, troubling, disturbing, enlightening and well... sad. I don't see Kat as a broken person at all, but I suppose that doesn't mean she doesn't see herself as such (though she's never said so). And yes, I called her a person.
I don't know, journal, I just don't know.
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[29 Jan 2009|11:30pm] |
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mood |
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 okay |
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music |
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Let it Rock |
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So today was my very last day at a job that I loved for so long. And surprisingly (or perhaps not so surprisingly) I didn't cry. The people that I would miss I'm either already set to see them again soon, or they've already left and I still see them and other than that, I'm really just going to miss my birds. My girls, Lakota, Panya, Russell (yeah, she wound up being a girl, weird) and Emma. The four best damn birds at CRC.
But for the most part, this is a new start in life for me. That chapter of my life has closed and now it is time to move on. Don't know quite where to yet, but I do know that I couldn't possibly still be living in Charlotte this time next year. Really, I don't see me here in the next 6 months, but, you never really know what the future holds. Ya know?
I dunno, I'm pretty tired, emotionally, physically, mentally, but I really want to dance.
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[27 Dec 2008|12:52am] |
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mood |
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Egocentric |
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music |
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Circus - Britney Spears |
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feel the adrenaline movin' through my veins
spotlight on me and I'm ready to break
I'm like a performer
the dance floor is my stage...
all eyes on my in the center of the ring, just like a circus...
Oh yeah, buddy, Katrina is back in business and ready to rock 'n' roll 71,000 mark, 113 pages (SS) and counting
You know, I was actually diagnosed manic/depressive many, many years ago and that diagnosis was quickly retracted and attributed to me being a teenager, but sometimes I wonder if "manic/depressive" is just another word for artist -
I have these amazing highs where I feel like I can do ANYTHING - artistically speaking (like stay up for 12 days and finish this damn novel once and for all) - and it's such a drug, it's such a rush, and fulfilling and uplifting and ... really, it's an adrenaline rush. It's heady, it's sexual, it's hot.... I love it. I crave this high when I get it. And lately, this is exactly what I've been needing.
With all of the work drama and missing my husband like CRAZY and pounding out this final semester of school I haven't had time to breathe (or live as I call it) in so many ways
I crave excitement and adventure like I used to... and it's all this artistic high that drives me. There are times when Kat and I are so one, but most of the time she is a distant dream these days. I miss her. She is not an escape for me, but a job that I get high off of
She is the high I used to get working at CRC - that rushing feeling that you cannot get enough of
I never had this with anything else - except Arri on rare occasion and Lieselle when she was outside of RP land and inside of herself
Kat really is, for me, the end all and be all of all that I am creatively. She is my supreme creation, beyond Arianna, beyond Haley, beyond Lieselle, beyond Alexus, she is central focus of my writing career. Because I truly feel in my heart that she has a place on the bookshelves of the world, and on the bedroom floor of man and woman who are entranced by her travels. She is more than a contract killer. She is more than a woman. She is more than a sister. She is more than a victim. She is a very, very, very tiny part of me loosed onto the world and she is freedom. She is happiness, she is love and she is immovable. I would never want to be her, but just to be able to share in her world is in some sick, twisted way, a blessing. I relish the drug that is Katrina de Lacey and I hope that one day the world will be able to share it with me.
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[26 Dec 2008|11:30pm] |
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mood |
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 artistic |
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music |
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Circus - Britney Spears |
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I can feel it coming inside of me
I can't place my finger on it, but it's there, bubbling, boiling, not yet overflowing ...
what is this that I feel?
I need to be submerged...
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[17 Dec 2008|09:31pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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yay! I've been essentially laid off
WHEEEEEEEEE
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[01 Nov 2008|07:44pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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4 minutes - Madonna and Justin T |
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I just want everyone to know that I'm getting smarter all the time...
as evidenced by the fact I am finally growing in wisdom teeth
25, and they're just peaking through like baby teeth, it's bizarre
they don't hurt, it's just WEIRD
also, the wedding was beautiful and wonderful, even if no one came that was such a big part of my life 10 years ago, not a one. Not Candy, not Stacy, not Leslie, not Jen, not Becky, no one. And while Candy fully intended to and even called to wish us well, no one else even bothered to send an email or to drop a note in LJ or anything else. Which sucks because on some level, I thought I was still your friend. Apparently, I was wrong and if you don't like that I'm saying this, too damn bad.
I'm not mad, I'm not angry, just disillusioned. And with the exception of Candy, I won't be sharing my wedding pictures with anyone because, again, no one even bothered to take two seconds to think about me and my life, so why share in the beauty of one of the most amazing days in my life? If this hurts your feelings, I'm sorry. If you find this childish, I'm sorry. But I know where I rank now. Which is not so much... in retrospect, it's really okay. I can move on and not worry about breaking those ties because apparently they're already broken. So, if I don't post again here, not that I have very often anyway, you know why. And Leslie, I know you told me a year ago you weren't going to be able to come because of money and school and I very much appreciate that straight forward honest, but I still thought I'd at least hear a congrats from you... I guess I thought wrong.
in other news, Piper is two on Wednesday and she is having her 2-riffic birthday party tomorrow. She is adorable and spectacular and more than I ever could've hoped for. She is beautiful. All in all, life is pretty damn sweet, just me and my mac. That's right, I have a mac, so nee-ner :P
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[10 Oct 2008|06:36pm] |
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mood |
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 mild panic |
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9 days to go - ohmigod... it's almost here
I don't even have flowers yet - EEK
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[24 Jun 2008|09:45pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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just thought I'd drop a post, say I'm alive
oh yes, my step-sister had her baby on Sunday
Kayleigh Anne was born on Sunday by emergency C-section at 3 in the morning and came out at an astonishing 1lb 1oz - that's right - ONE pound ONE ounce. She wasn't due until mid September.
Kayleigh is okay for now, they have her stabilized and she's even breathing on her own, but they don't expect things to stay this way for long because she is so small and young, but our fingers are crossed and I'll be visiting them in the hospital on Thursday
Also, in my summer courses (which are almost over) I currently have 3 definitive A's and one class I have no idea what I've got
Piper's growing up great - man I love that name
and James and I are still on for the fall
also, we said goodbye to the fluffy gray kitten a couple months ago - he continued to pee all over Piper's stuff because he was jealous of her so we gave him to a friend of ours - he's doing well, using the litterboxes, adjusting beautifully to his new life - but I miss him all the same :(
we also welcomed a new addition to the family
his name is Sambo
he's a beagle
we adopted him from Animal control about 3 weeks ago - he's adjusting okay, too. He's 5 or 6 they think and he gets along great with Piper and the family, he's very tolerant
and I think that's about it, I'm off to bed
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[23 Apr 2008|10:28pm] |
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mood |
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 grumpy |
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So I haven't posted in awhile - don't have much time anymore. James has been out of town the entire month so I've been playing single parent. It's tough. But it's all coming to an end shortly. Piper's growing up so fast, I don't think James'll recognize her at all! (okay, it hasn't been that long)
I only have about 10 days left of school this semester and I'm doing well - not as well as I'd like (100), but well for the first time back in college in .. 3 years? wow it has been awhile
work has been crazy busy and, since only Elaine from work reads this, I'm so miserably unhappy there
maybe it's because this whole month has been tough, but if I stick out this school thing for 30 more credit hours then I can leave next year
besides, I don't want to move before the wedding - which if anyone's counting - is less than 6 months away
unbelievable
that's all I'm going to say about the wedding for various reasons, one of these days I'll really vent about it, but today is not that day, I'm just too damn tired
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| Writer's Block: Celebrity Sightings |
[20 Mar 2008|10:21pm] |
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mood |
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content |
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music |
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American Baby - DMB |
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I did meet my favorite superstar and I asked him questions about his younger, rougher times and whether or not he, now later in life, regretted any of the tough decisions he made and what led him to make those terrifying changes in the first place. And any advice he wanted to pass on, I was open to listening to. Unfortunately, I'm out of superstar icons that I have anything worth asking of, other than would you like to have dinner with me? :)
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[20 Mar 2008|10:13pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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music |
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Gravity - John Mayer |
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so I'm totally bored
I've been at home so sick most of this week and didn't go to work except on Monday. I have been massively unproductive most of the week because I've been out of it
but today, I finally feel much, MUCH better - not perfect, mind you, still a little fatigued, and my throat is sore-er than it's been all week, but I have my voice back and most of the snottiness, the fever, the shakes and chills and various other ugliness is gone
that being said, I've tried to answer emails from work while I've been home
and work on a few projects
but still I'm bored
Piper is asleep, there's nothing on TV (there never really is, to be honest) and I've done everything I can for school at this point except take the quiz. I have slight quiz anxiety - I even turned in my first draft of the paper I wrote on Tuesday. The class started Monday. I can honestly say I've never been quicker off the draw to write something on my own time than this round of classes. What's different? I'm not quite sure, but man, I think I'm going to do well this time. And it's just the one course, only 8 weeks long, and then summer term starts. We'll see how that goes, but I'm a little excited. Or maybe it's just the boredom. Or maybe it's the feverish sickness that made me do what I did, whatever the reason, I'm glad it's done (until I get the review back.. .eeek)
and the only reason I've not done the quiz yet is I need something to do tomorrow night. Because I know I'll have nothing to do then, either. :(
A part of me misses having stuff to do every night, but the other part of me says it was time to grow up in that fashion. And besides, I wouldn't trade my little baby girl for anything else in the entire world.
Other than that one piece earlier this week, I haven't written anything more to Kat. I almost did last night, but I decided against it for some reason. I had a decent idea, tho', so maybe I'll mull it over a few more days and if it continues to stick, then I'll pound it out
and I think that's it from the funny farm
oh yes, and I need a new ringtone
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[14 Mar 2008|11:57pm] |
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mood |
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jubilant |
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music |
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Undeniable - Mat Kearney |
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I did it! WAHOOO!!
I ended a month long (?) writer's block streak with something so brilliant I hadn't seen it coming the entire 5 years I've been writing to Kat
All it started out as was a simple date and then, as I wrote, I reached a point where I kind of grooved and imagined a million ways to wrap up that entry, and then it hit me, the entry wasn't over - which doesn't sound like a big deal
but oh it was
I've been so scared for so long about what happens after Chicago. I know Kat goes to San Fransisco and deals with Bradbury and I feel like Evan and Jax make themselves known again somehow, and beyond that, I hadn't a clue
How the hell was I going to do this unbelievable job? How was I going to get close enough without raising suspicion?
and as I wrote, one sentence kept coming back to me, one idea, one thought, one very basic concept, it's undeniable
and I think it's really as simple as all that
that's right, Mat Kearney, sing it to me
it's undeniable how brilliant I am
*gloats, even though she knows its ultimately less talent and more muse*
but damn, I'm good
now I just have to let this play out
my instinct is to first figure out how these figures play together, but I think it'll be better to just let it unfold as I write it, which, in theory means that this last part will cruise right on by
oh my
could it be true?
70000 words and counting down to the end
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[13 Mar 2008|10:55pm] |
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mood |
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frustrated |
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music |
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The Exies - Ugly |
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*headdesk*headdesk*headdesk*
I've been staring at the computer for near an hour now, comtemplating, lazily, over and over the possibilities of going forward with this
and I keep coming up with some of the same old ideas I've had, fixing, tweaking, a few REALLY old ideas, a couple new ideas, but nothing that really sits up and barks, demanding to be written
I hate this
I mean, I feel like I'm a good writer overall, I certainly don't think I'm a bad writer - I think I can be a very wordy writer, but I think I'm good overall, but
but really, I owe 90% of it to muse and intuition and inspiration - and ever since we left Chicago, I am inspiration-less, makes me wonder if I did the right thing, if maybe I screwed something up somewhere along the way
usually I'm only this lost if I've fucked up something major
trouble is, I don't think I have, in fact, I think it's exactly right what I did - so where am I going wrong? where am I empty? and where are my muses? because I've got nothing without them
mustunlockmagicofwriting- goinginsane - ACK
sigh
and only one baby bald eagle lives, sorry momma
where've all the ideas gone? I really need to reconnect, maybe I'm just too disconnected - too lost, too off course - I don't know... something .. .I need just SOMETHING, ANYTHING one word, one thought and I can go forward, but so far, it's all poo - UGH
so mad
*headdesk*
don't look, it's going to get ugly
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[12 Mar 2008|11:51pm] |
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mood |
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okay |
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man I'm tired
but I just had to post for a second
I ordered the first season of "I Dream of Jeannie" and "Bewitched" last week - I partially blame Kat for it, but I have rediscovered a love of classic tv - there is something just so wholesome and simple and sweet about the old shows
I think I'm channelling Kat there, too
but anyway, I haven't finished either season yet, but I love it
and if I had the money and time or inclination I'd grab the other seasons up and even maybe add something like Get Smart into the mix - man, I love that show - and I hear there is a movie coming out based on the TV show, I can't wait
hmm
not much else
I love my baby, she's beautiful and James is great and we're almost exactly 7 months away, so much still to do, sigh
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[06 Mar 2008|11:51pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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so I just finished uploading about 150 (honestly it was 170+ but I deleted some as I was going through) pictures from over the last 2 years onto the computer and kodak gallery
95% of them are of Piper and a few are from James' stint in the movie Leatherheads, and four are from the zoo - but if anyone wants to see ages and stages of my baby girl, let me know, and I'll happily link you to it
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